Climbing aboard the Facebook Outrage Express, Senator Nick Xenophon has tabled the idea of an “online ombudsman” to quell the revolution. The idea of yet another inflatable policeman with no power whatsover is certainly an attractive one to our current Government - and the Opposition, too, who’ll score points once elected by simply deflating these sorts of legislative blimps in very public ceremonies. The Rudd Government’s enthusiasm for hot air politics has taken the nation on quite a ride over the last few years, to the point where hollering criticisms of these highly visible, untouchable and ultimately harmless dirigibles is an act for the constitutional killjoy. One might just as well hitch a ride on the winds of folly, and it’s in such a buoyant spirit that I pose the following questions to the online ombudsman, who’ll need to have something to do once he settles down to work. 

* On gallery porn sites, a click on a picture of a certain young woman most commonly leads not to a full set of photos of that same women nude, but simply to another gallery similar to the first, featuring more single photos of alluring young women, a click on any of which leads, once again, to another gallery of selections. It’s infuriating and time consuming, leading to hours of lost productivity. Can the ombudsman assure the community that this drain on public resources is being dealt with?

* A fan of the popular children’s website, Club Penguin, my ten-year-old boy recently found himself engaged in combat with another participant. After calling his opponent a @#$%tard, my little boy was subjected to a withering volley of abuse involving at least four more expletive than he had utilised. What can be done to ensure that such bullying is eradicated from the internet? 

* I am constantly being informed of the fact that sexy girls with big bosoms are waiting to have sex with me in the Sydney suburb of Artarmon. However, repeated journeys to that particular suburb reveal only women who are fairly plain, middle-aged and strenuous in their denial that they have been waiting for me at all. Can the ombudsman assure me that my valuable time will not be wasted upon such fruitless excursions in future?

* The internet page for Senator Nick Xenophon features a link entitled “useful info”. However, when one clicks on that tab, a message appears that reads: “This page coming soon”. Can the ombudsman reveal how long it will take before Nick Xenophon has some useful information for the public?

* While perusing the website SavagesOnBlondes.com, a friend of mine recently took a break to go into the next room and attend to some urgent business. Upon his return some six minutes later, his 10-year-old boy, having taken his place at the computer, was deeply embroiled in the various sickening scenarios being depicted on the same website. What can the ombudsman do to assure the community that this will not happen again in future?

* There is an abundance of jerks on YouTube. Will the ombudsman please explain? 

* The official Government website for Senator Stephen Conroy features a page entitled: About The Minister. However, this page mentions nothing about the Senator’s slight speech impediment which, when the Senator speaks, makes him appear rather like a chipmunk with peanut butter stuck to the insides of his cheeks. What can the ombudsman do to rectify this in the name of full ministerial transparency? 

* In 2002, Wayne Carey resigned from the captaincy of the North Melbourne football club after having been caught having an affair with the wife of fellow team mate, Anthony Stevens. While Google searches for images of Wayne Carey and Anthony Stevens yield healthy results, few useful photographs of Kelli Stevens appear to have been uploaded at all. What can be done to rectify this tragic and irritating oversight?

* While happy enough to have gotten his wife pregnant on several occasions in the past, a colleague of mine couldn’t be arsed to follow his kids around policing their movements 24/7. While he applauds the Government’s efforts to make the internet safe for his kids while he behaves like a man who never got off a shot, he would like to know if the internet can also be utilised to feed them and get them off to school in the mornings. What about it, man of ombuds? 

* A common cause for alarm is the proliferation of adults on the internet masquerading as children. What can the ombudsman do to assure the community that the children featured on child pornography sites are not merely adults pretending to be kids?

* The official website for the Prime Minister of Australia features a photo of Kevin Rudd a several of his ministers. What the @#$% can the ombudsman do about this?

Source: http://blogs.news.com.au/