The Minor Parties

The Greens

Essentially the only third force left in Australian politics, this is widely seen as The Greens' election to screw up. As in, if they don't walk out with pretty much every available non-major Party Senate seat it will be considered a borderline failure for them. So, no pressure. But still, not a half bad effort for a party that essentially emerged from the electoral pretensions of a handful of angry Tasmanians in the early 70s. Tasmania's most successful cultural export since Warner Bros' Taz, and the State's use as a euphemism for vagina.

As always, The Greens are helmed by Bob Brown, who as far as I can tell has not aged a single day since the 90s and has all the solidity and charisma of his beloved Tasmanian hardwoods. Still, their policies are worth checking out, if for nothing else than to realise that there is vastly more to the political spectrum than the ever so narrow arc of mediocrity being plumbed by both the Liberal and Labor parties. They also have agreeable positions on the internet filter, asylum seekers, gay marriage, illicit substances and (surprise, surprise) the environment.

Even more exciting for The Greens is the possibility that they might take the seat of Melbourne, a Labor seat since 1904 and the former home of Lindsay Tanner - a man who, if the political obituaries are to be believed, was the only reasonable person left in the simmering cesspool of Federal politics. The Greens are pinning their hopes on one Adam Bandt, a more than respectable lawyer and friend of the unions who only needs a 5% swing towards him to take the seat. This is seen as eminently doable given that his opposition is a Labor unknown and that the general opinion of the major parties in the community varies from toxic to "I want MasterChef back".

I actually had quite a detailed dream about the election of Adam Bandt last night. Although not, mind you, in an exciting fashion; from what I can recall it was mostly electoral math with some vote counting. Naked vote counting. But it did interrupt a dream where I was getting sexy with Cheryl Kernot and Belinda Neal in the backseat of a Volvo, so a welcome break, really.

I think I'm reading too much about this election.

The Nationals

If you love sheep and good ol' country values like sheep, then the Nationals are the party for you. For most of Australia's parliamentary history a legitimate third player without whom the Liberal Party simply could not govern, they have in recent years become somewhat estranged from the Libs and now inhabit a peculiar area of the electoral map that isn't so much left or right as it is "50 years ago". Given their geographic specificity almost impossible to vote for even if, for some strange reason, you wanted to.

Family First Party

Socially conservative, ultra-religious nutbars who probably think Jesus should be part of the periodic table. Fortunately, their time in Federal Parliament (a democratic aberration where Steven Fielding somehow oozed in despite garnering 0.08% of the primary vote) is almost assuredly drawing to a close at this coming election. About this we can all be mightily thankful. To mark the occasion, here's Keyboard Cat playing Steven Fielding off after Richard Dawkins essentially laughs in his face.

Australian Sex Party

TITTIES! But no, they have some OK policies too. If you enjoy sex and would like to see/have more of it. Motto: Where you come first. Oh, very good. In recent big news, pioneer of Australiana comedy, Austen Tayshus, is set to run against Tony Abbott. What fun! Here you can see party leader Fiona Patten engaged in a frank exchange of ideas with Wendy Francis of Family First on Sunrise. The fact that Wendy actually agreed to this debate perhaps says something about how far Family First's fortunes have waned. The way she participates in this debate perhaps says something about how abysmally awful Family First really are.

The Australian Democrats

Finding out that it was still possible to vote for these guys was the single most surprising realisation I've had since I discovered it was still possible to search the internet using AltaVista. In all seriousness, if the Australian Democrats make it back into power after the events of the Kernot-pocalypse it will be either because a small-scale tactical nuclear strike has wiped out every other sitting member of Parliament OR because Cheryl Kernot reveals herself to actually be a ten-storey tall death machine and forcibly takes Canberra before sending for the remaining Democrats to work as her foot soldiers. As is, their continuing attempt to remain democratically relevant is more depressing than the prospect of a Boney M reunion tour.

One Nation

Ditto, but with more barely constrained glee on my part. Also, their approach to web design seems to hail from the same era as their political beliefs.

The Nutty Fringe

Christian Democrat Party: For ultra-Christians who don't want to be judged because of their support for Family First.

Citizens Electoral Council: I don't think there is anything I could say that their website could not say infinitely better. The fusion torch (AKA their energy policy) is a particular highlight.

Liberal Democratic Party: More liberally minded Liberals. Likely hampered by the fact that it would take Political Science thesis to explain what they did that a multitude of other parties don't already do.

The Socialist Alliance: Keep reaching for that rainbow dudes. Socialism is due for a resurgence any minute now! No, I mean it!

The Communist Alliance: Don't judge us by a century of brutal suffering, political repression, warmongering and mass killings! We're better now!

The Shooters and Fishers Party: It's always nice when the name of a party also explains its policies. Has been contesting elections since 1992. Can probably assume reasonable crossover of party membership and subscribers to Bacon Busters, Australia's premier pig-shooting magazine.

The Others: There are just... so many. Hard to know where to start. Or finish. But this list makes for illuminating reading. People got an axe to grind y'all.

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Anyway, hope this has been illuminating. Democracy is a multi-hued beast, and while, sure, most of those hues tend to coalesce into an all too familiar shade of poo brown, occasionally, just occasionally something a little brighter and distinct will find its way to the surface, offering some semblance of new colour to the mix.

Hint: the answer is Green. Or Sex. Probably not Family. Yeah, that metaphor died when the colours did.

Source: TheVine